Stop being an outsider...

Two posts in one month...wow that is unusual :)...

(the photo is from a wedding of one of my friends)

Recently I have doing a lot of thinking...this is normal for me...well it used to be...before I became so inundated with new experiences that I didn't have the opportunity to process and absorb (ie thinking for me), but instead just caught what I could and tried to survive. (People sometimes use the analogy of a fire hydrant being turned on you, you are soaking with new experiences, but you don't actually have time to enjoy or learn from the experiences). The problem with this is you aren't as intentional with your actions, you are in survival mode...moving from one thing to the next without thinking or planning, you take the high and lows, and store the lessons to be applied to your life at a later time.

But the last few weeks, things have slowed down (I am not sure what to accredit this slow down to, whether it is just the summertime slowdown- everyone takes vacations before the Ramadan holiday, or if it is because I have now been here 1.5 years and have adjusted quite a bit to the culture here), and I have had a few conversations with a friend that made me realize where I am. It has been like waking up from a dream, to find that the dream has affected you in many ways, some good, some bad. I realized I was using the phrase "I am not like this in America" often. This can be a good thing, meaning I have adapted to the culture around me, and a bad thing if you are using it as an excuse, ie getting upset from a taxi overcharging you by $2.

The other day I went to the cinema with a group of friends. They were all Egyptian :). As we were waiting for the movie time, part of the group sat around a table in the concession area and began speaking in Arabic, and others were talking with friends they had run into. I looked around at my group of friends and suddenly felt like the outsider. I wandered down the hall to look at cinema posters for movies "coming soon" while I pondered this feeling. I didn't get far before one of my friends tracked me down to ask why I was alone. I have this feeling of being an outsider a lot, though less than when I first arrived, and despite this being the most welcoming and inviting culture I have ever been in. It caught me by surprise especially because this group of friends have been really encouraging to me, and they are helping me learn Arabic but still speak English around me so I can be apart of the conversations. So why did I feel like the outsider?

It wasn't until days later that I realized it wasn't the actions of my friends that brought on this feeling, but like most things regarding culture, it was a difference of perspectives. My friends, (this group in particular) no longer think of me as an outsider. They tell Egyptian jokes and look puzzled if I don't get them, they ask me for information about history of Egypt or cultural questions regarding Egypt. They even joke that I am more Egyptian than some of them, (many of them grew up in Kuwait or gulf states). But then I realized, I still think of myself as an outsider.

When I first arrived, I would often watch before I would do, to see how things were done, I was so afraid to do something wrong and offend someone. Even small things like asking for a seat at a restaurant, telling directions to a taxi driver, buying items from a kiosk or a candy stand. But I am no longer new. I need to stop thinking of myself as the outsider and readjust my thinking. When I first arrived, watching before doing worked well, but it is now time to stop being a guest and trust what I have learned. If I want to stop feeling like an outsider :), than I need to stop acting like one. And for this I am excited and happy...maybe just maybe...I have found a home away from home for now.